Even David Fucking Beckham Needs Validation
Why validation is NOT a self-centered demand for attention.
This post is written for my brilliant, kind and fucking awesome friend Ann who said, “I read your post on validation…The want to be seen is part of our human condition.” And I thought fucking christ, you are one smart lady.
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In October I inhaled the David Beckham Netflix documentary while embroidering a wedding gift. I’ve never been much of a footballer, but I had a Girl Power phase and I was frankly curious about the Beckham’s and their god-damn lives!
In the doco David shows us around his property and his outdoor kitchen. We see David’s diligent approach to cleaning, something he refers to as OCD. As an industrious cleaner myself this guy was not putting it on for the camera. You can tell by his cadence and his repetitive arm sweeps that cleaning is a process he takes seriously and does regularly. At one point he says, "I clean it so well, I'm not sure it's actually appreciated…”
HA! Even David Fucking Beckham, a man whose filming a documentary to be SEEN, doesn’t feel SEEN by his own family when he cleans. I honestly felt a little bit saved in that moment by a British footballer.
Am I Good Enough?
We all want to know we’re doing a good enough job.
BUT our industrious society promotes:
Self sufficiency
Self advancement
Self motivation
We’re supposed to go internally to find all the things we need and grab those bootstraps and yank them up. Our solitary internal system should be the one-stop-shop for fulfillment and validation.
I mutter: If I was a better person, who did more meditation and packed more healthy school lunches for my daughter I wouldn’t need external validation. My gut biome must be off! I need to take up cold plunging stat to stop my need for validation.
Getting Risky
I feel the need for validation most strongly when I’ve put something risky, with a piece of my innerness on display. I’m worried I’ve been too vulnerable, or honest. And maybe after reading this inner monologue NO ONE FUCKING LIKES ME.
And then I feel SHAME for wanting someone, anyone on the god damn internet, to send me a comment and say, nice piece.
When I feel like I’m just endlessly typing into the void and ashamed for wanting some validation I do what we’ve been taught: GO SHOPPING.
We’ve all done it.
Instead of asking to be seen, and being even more vulnerable you lock that shit down and pray to the e-commerce gods for a thrashing of dopamine:
the perfect fall loafer in charcoal grey
the new bullet journal that THIS time you will goddamn use
the Fairtrade candle with organically sourced essential oils to make your house smell like “real Christmas”.
We hug Black Friday, have rough sex with Cyber Monday and by Tuesday we’re a frazzled mess of budget discrepancies and self-loathing.
Not A Dirty Word
Validation is not a dirty word. It doesn’t mean we’re attention seeking or self centered.
Validation does mean we are creatures who feel vulnerable.
We’ve published an essay, or submitted a mixed-media collage to a local art show, or shared a plate of cupcakes at the school bake sale. And with any and all of these things we can desire to be seen and validated.
When you’ve put something out there that makes you feel exposed it’s natural to crave corroboration. We are social creatures that sometimes survive on support alone.
When we’re looking for validation we’re usually feeling fragile and unsure and it is TOTALLY OKAY TO HAVE THOSE FEELINGS.
Look,
if the lovely David Beckham with his 86 MILLION Instagram followers, still has the need to be seen then it’s ABSOLUTELY FUCKING OKAY FOR YOU AND I TO NEED, TO BE SEEN.
We All Need Validation
The next time your mother cooks a family feast and says in jest, “It must be good because everyone is so quiet,” don’t look over the table at your brother and roll your eyes. Instead see what’s really going on: Someone you likely care about is reaching out for validation with wild and anxious vulnerability.
What will you deliver?
I’m hoping to hold my sarcasm in check and say, “This is the best fucking turkey I’ve ever had,” and mean it.
Sending you love and all the validation you need today!
Elizabeth
Scratchings at the back of my brain:
75,000 football fans chanted “Posh Spice takes it up the arse” at Victoria Beckham - people are fucking monsters.
David Beckham needs to have his own organizational tv show because that man knows how to make shit look good AND be functional.
Everyone needs mental health support, even massive celebrities and the teenager working the checkout at your grocery store who gives you the eye every time you buy a family size chocolate bar for yourself.
My friend Ann is an amazing counsellor. Love you Ann.
And now I can't stop thinking about the Fair Trade candle that will make my house smell like real Christmas... love the message, Elizabeth. It's okay to want validation!!
Thank you for this, this was very comforting and uplifting! 🥰