Hey nerds!1
Three years ago my friend A. told me that Perimenopause was a THING.
Now, we’ve all heard about the big M, with hot flashes and no periods but beyond that I really didn’t know what the events of menopause would actually entail.
I understood that one day my period would stop (THANK CHRIST) and I’d be a bit hot. Soon I’d be part of the Menopause Club and wear a pink velour jacket with my name in chain stitch, a la Pink Ladies.
It felt joyous to be doing away with:
the spotting - in a new pair of pretty cream underwear you just bought yourself, that wasn’t even on sale.
the cramps - the ones that start at your knees and run up your thighs into your abdomen like lightning strikes.
the murderous intentions - the feelings you don’t recognize until it’s too late and you have just yelled at your husband for asking, “what’s for dinner?” “Why the fuck am I always in charge of what’s for dinner?”
All the period blood, the inconvenience and the annoyance would be traded for only a few hot flashes - easy, peasy!
But then perimenopause arrived, the black sheep of the menopause family who's never talked about because she’s “hysterical” and speaks of BLOOD and HORMONES.
Welcome Perimenopause Players
The big M means you have stopped having your period for 12 consecutive months. I’m likely years away from the end of cramps and spotting, but I have been lucky enough to start experiencing new characters from the play of perimenopause.
Once a month when my body is desperately trying to keep the blood flowing and propagate the human species it has to gather up reinforcements because these hormones don’t flow like they used to. That’s when I wake up with sweat all over my neck, shoulders and between my breasts that I mop up with an old t-shirt.
These hormones are like new characters from Mid-Life Inside Out. Mr. Drippy appears linked arm-in-arm with Ms. Insomnia. That’s right, I get woken up by my sweat and then I can’t get back to sleep.
During this majorly hormonal week I live in a tropical jungle where my body glows with a sweat rash. In middle of the night you reach for your organic speciality perimenopause cream to discover the next morning you used your husband’s foot fungal cream and it’s magic in a tube. Yes, go and buy yourself foot fungal cream.
I also experience total and complete lethargy, much like being pregnant. A deep body tiredness that tells you it is VERY BUSY DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT so you should lie down immediately and eat six chocolate biscuits.
Sometimes I get a puffy, itchy rash up and down my forearms just because. And I have to treat my dodgy left knee with great kindness and care, or else it will flare up and make it more impossible to do physical exercise. blerg.
At night I grit my teeth and jaw with such ferocity my dentist has armed me with a night guard which has just amplified the clenching. Now when I open my mouth my bottom jaw swings out to the right, making me feel like a skeleton woman.
The greatest perimenopausal cherry on top is the constant worrying of early onset dementia. At least five times a day I can SEE the thing I’m trying to say but I cannot figure out what the fuck the word is. Only to realize moments later, after playing a game of charades, that the word is mug.
And while forgetting words is annoying, it comes with great shame when it happens in front of strangers. With my friends I throw up my hands and yell, Perimenopause Mother Fucker. But with strangers I can see their expression change, their head tilts as they contemplate if I’m slow or old.
Out of all my symptoms the lack of words terrifies me. I’m a writer. How will I write if I can’t find words!!!! If you met my dad, a British gentlemen in his late 70s, it would be very clear that losing short-term memories is a family trait I’ll likely acquire. Sorry future Elizabeth’s family!
Rough January 2024
This last month’s hormonal episode was particularly rough and one Thursday lunchtime I texted my client and told them I wasn’t feeling great and needed to lie down. I rolled myself into bed at 1pm and didn’t rise for the rest of the day or evening.
It became clear I had to have THE TALK with my family at the dinner table. My daughter is becoming oddly accustomed to finding her mother in bed, like an invalid, when she comes home at 3pm. I knew I had to explain what was going on, but it’s hard!
In some ways perimenopause doesn’t feel real because I didn’t know it existed until three years ago.
If it was such a big deal I would’ve been taught about it in health studies right?
But because this is a mid-life discovery I sometimes wonder if I’m making it up.
Am I really feeling all these things? Is it really that bad? I am quite suggest-able, so it’s likely all in my head. Just get on with it Elizabeth and stop complaining.
Super, now I’m gaslighting myself! I catch myself not taking my own thoughts, feelings and physical needs seriously. I step into my tried and true pattern of: put on blinders and it’ll go away.
It’s Only Half The World…
I’m trying not to think of this GREAT CHANGE as a war with my body because it isn’t. It’s natural and it’s fucking terrible.
I’m trying not to get SO FUCKING MAD about the lack of research into “womens issues”. It’s sad and it’s the fucking patriarchy.
Instead I’m trying to share my experience because everyone needs to know more about the period, before your period ends.
No doubt this is part one of a 200 part essay series on perimenopause because it can last three to four years, although Harvard Health tells me it can extend as long a decade. What fun!
Some Support
If you’re looking for some scientific to help I did find this MedTalk by Dr. Kelsey Mills approachable and honest. It reminded me that I am not hysterical and instead I’m going through a very common journey that HALF OF THE WORLD EXPERIENCES. And the lovely folks at
are doing a fabulous job sharing insights, experts and products that I also find helpful.Perimenopause is no fucking joke.
With love and many old t-shirts to sop up your night sweats,
Elizabeth.
Ps. I’m curious about your perimenopause experience. Please share.
I’m using nerds in the best possible way. Nerdship: How we love a thing with such verocity that we annoy others, and then one magical day we find other people who feel the same way about the thing we love. That is nerdship.
Consider me warned!
it's not for everyone, but my (female) doctor prescribed me HRT when I first began perimenopause, and it was life-changing. no hot flashes, great sleep, no major weight gain, less brain fog - basically, it felt like a miracle drug. I know some people can't handle taking hormones, but if you can, it's worth exploring. MEN WOULD DEFINITELY TAKE A DRUG (OR MANY DRUGS) FOR THIS!!!